As we prepare ourselves during this month of Elul for the
work of the High Holidays, we turn our thoughts to a challenging question: how
is it that we can ‘fix what got broke’ and not sink into the depths of despair
at the way that we have conducted ourselves this past year? Let us approach this question from the
wisdom of our mystical tradition, as that may hold some clues for how we can
discern an answer.
In the Hebrew liturgy of the chaggim/High Holidays,
the word that we use for wrong-doing
is ‘chet’, which comes
from the verb ‘to cleanse.’ Now, this is interesting, for it is not sin that we
speak about, but rather cleaning up the mess we made by acting in a way that
did not live up to our highest expectations. When I do something wrong, or, in
the language of the High Holidays, when I do something that will have to be
cleaned up later on, our Rabbis considered this question: do I irrevocably
damage all of me? Is there a part of me that is is untouched by that ‘sin’? is there a pure part of me that cannot be
damaged by my actions, and upon which I can
begin to build the foundation for entering the new year, recharged and
rebooted?
A clue is found in the daily morning liturgy, which
says: Elohi neshama shena-ta-ta-ti
t’horah hi/“My G-d, the soul which You have given me is pure.” How can I say every morning that my soul is
pure? The Kabbalah, which is the collection of our mystical texts, explains
that there are 5 levels of the soul, and that they correspond to the different
‘worlds’ in which we live: the Nefesh (our bodies) Ruach (our
emotions) Neshemah (our consciousness) Chayah (the source of
living) and Yechidah (that part of our soul that is constantly in union
with G-d). Only the first 3 are experienced by us; the other two exist on a
more ethereal level, and it is these two upper realms that are unpolluted by
how we conduct our daily lives, and from which we draw our strength and healing for doing t’shuvah/returning
to our paths of righteousness.
When we think that we cannot do the deep work of t’shuva,
we are denying our deep belief in the power of free will, and our
responsibility to make the world a better place. Yes, the world is full of what we experience
as evil, and, yes, we are deeply challenged to make substantial changes to how
we act in the world. But it is exactly
the message of the High Holidays that we are capable of such change, of
cleansing, and that we will be forgiven our iniquities precisely because we go
through the process of self-examination and the vow to do better in the year to
come.
Since there is a part of me that cannot be polluted, I can
proceed to examine my attitudes and behaviors without the sinking feeling that
I have really blown it; the more ethereal components of my soul stay connected
to the shefa/constant flow of pure energy, and, like a safety line,
stabilizes me and supports me in my efforts of self-examination.
Finally, it is important to remember that we do all of this
in joy. There is a story that is told
about a Rabbi who comes upon a man who is praying during the Confessional part
of the services with such enthusiasm and joy; he is dancing and singing, with
tears running down his cheeks. After the
services have ended, the Rabbi approaches the man, and asks how he could be so
joyful in the face of the despair of self-examination. The man replies, “If I have to clean the
dooryard of my beloved, my work is joyful, for what kind of beloved would
accept the efforts of someone who is dour?”
May our efforts at teshuvah
bring us in closer contact with our deeper selves, and a rich experience of
these Days of Awe.
If you have any questions, or
comments, please contact me.
Enjoy your week!
Blessings,
Rabbi Jan